100 Monologues is a project where I’m writing monologue scripts, performing, and filming the pieces. Since I’m beginning to dabble in acting, the project is meant as a means for me to acquire more acting experience where I can work on refining my craft. You can find out more about the project here.

Below is the script from the “The Excellent Non-Chef” monologue. If you’re a student who would like to perform this monologue for class, just make sure you credit me, Maggie Coyle, as the author. For any other use of the script, please contact me.

100 Monologues: #36 The Excellent Non-Chef

Some people pride themselves in their ability to cook, being able to make something from scratch—all of the slicing and dicing and stirring and mixing. And not to mention creating a beautiful presentation on a platter. You know, all of that takes a lot of time. All the hours of prep work and then possibly more hours spent monitoring the food as it’s cooking. Making sure you’re stirring something the right amount of times so it doesn’t burn. Moving things over, mixing them around. Taking things out, making them sit. It’s a whole production. And then you only enjoy it for ten or fifteen minutes. Or you can gobble it up that quickly, so it seems like all that time was wasted or it just went by too quickly.

So—I pride myself in my ability to save time. I’m the master of frozen food cooking. No one can preheat an oven quite like I can…I mean, I guess anyone can preheat an oven the way I can. But no one can press those buttons with as much zeal and excitement…yeah… I’m an artist at setting kitchen timers, wandering off and doing other things, then racing back to the room right when I hear those beeping sounds going off—that triumphant sound letting me know that the food is ready. I’m a pro at that.